There is a light

I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Is it daylight, or is it a train about to mow me down? I'm not sure yet. I just know there's light.

Looking back over blog posts from past few months, I can see that I'm better. I at least feel like I have purpose. I've reclaimed my own life.

I'd never been as depressed as I felt for quite some time before and after Mom's death. It blows me away that Dad's been gone almost 3 years. His last big illness started this week 3 years ago. I remember so much of that time, yet it feels like so little. Just thankful I got to be with him as much as I did. Heartbreaking to see him saying bye to Mom. And vice versa. I guess love is so solid after 58 years. How I miss them. And life with them. Their sounds, their routines, their lives. . . it's all so gone now. Just hurts. And there's no way to go back.

I was in a pretty good mood tonight, til I started thinking. Just makes me so sad.

I'm so excited for Erik to get to go see his parents, yet I fear him driving up there. I just can't even bear remembering him falling asleep while driving. I don't know how I'm gonna handle my thoughts while he's driving to and from there. Surely he'll be safe.

I wanted to start a bucket list, but so far, all I can think of is seeing whales. I really want to be on a boat up close and near active whales. I can't fathom their size or power. But I want to experience that.

Don't really think this is a bucket list item, but I want to change the way we live. I'm desperate for this change. I want to take back my life, and that means my house. Reclaim my house from the slobs who live in it. It's embarassing to live like this. Messy and filthy were not the way I was brought up. And I hate the way we've become. I need to throw away so much stuff.

I must get some rest. Need to stay healthy for the next few weeks. Exhaustion will do me no favors.

Sunday night blahs

If I tracked depression, it would rear its ugly head most on Sunday nights. Grief and self-pity merge with mental anguish to create a whirlwind of angst. I hate Sunday nights.

And it's not even for the reasons everyone else does. I don't even have to work on Mondays. That's typically the reason for Sunday night-itis in most folks. I just seem to brood on Sunday nights. Never let it show to anyone, but it's my lowest point.

Tonight is no exception. Health and wealth top the list tonight. I hate how I feel and I hate that I feel that way.

I'm so worried about my sweetie. His worries about the same things I'm worried about are manifesting themselves in his health. I would give anything to fix things for him. We are in such a horrific spiral. Just breaks my heart. We can't seem to find anything positive to hang our proverbial hats on. What a nightmare.

They repo'd my dumpster

And that will be the name of the book I ever write in the future. They Repo'd My Dumpster. So typical of everything these days. So low.

I get so down, but I keep the resolve that I will find my way out of all my messes. Somehow. Some way. I will prevail.

Now I've got to find energy for this fight. I have zero. I feel so depleted, no matter what I do. I do not want to be some hypochondriac. But there just feels like so much is wrong with me. If I listed from head to toe, it would look something like this: bad eyes, horrible cough that causes spasms throughout my body, infernal itching, pain/numbness below my knees in both legs. It's to the point that my life is affected by my health. I don't want to do stuff that I would enjoy, cause it just takes too much energy. Or I'm fearful because I am not sure that I'll see a curb, or a step. I want my life back.

It's just middle of summer

Hot, sultry nights. Sounds so sexy. In reality, it's just hot. But I am thankful, as we have a new air conditioner. Life is way more comfortable.

I'm looking above my computer at the myriad bottles of eye drops. It loks like an 85 year old lives here. So depressing. This whole eye ordeal has been a blur. I remember when it started that one Monday in January, 2007 or 2008. I kept thinking something was in my eye and I could "wipe" it out.

How scary it was when I went blind that first time. Wish I hadn't wasted those first years with that dumbass dr. who was so uncaring. He and I just did not hit it off at all. So thankful I stepped out on a lib and found Dr. Harris. She and Crystal and Isabel are my girls.

Hate the thought that I'm having another shot probably this Monday. It'll be interesting to see which eye gets the shot. If I were a betting woman. . . .

Pissed AND feeling sorry for myself

I'm just so sick of health shit. I can see a little less than half of what I need to see, and then today, I feel like it's my fault. Happy friday.

Driving is quite nerve-wracking again. I just have to have confidence that my left eye is seeing enough. Mentally, I know it is, but physically, it sure doesn't feel like it.

I wish there was something good for adults who have no focus. I've never had good focus or self-discipline, but it seems to be escalating the older I get. To use the old expression, I feel like I go from "pillar to post" and back again. I never get anythying accomplished and it's driving me insane.

Part of me thinks I hold it together damn well, but at other times, I feel like I'm falling apart. Thankful that some moments are better than others.

Pissed off

So I'm sitting on the couch watching "Beverly Hills Cop" tonight and my eye hemorrhages. Again. For the 7th or 8th time in the past 3 years.

I'm pissed. And now I can't even make out the computer monitor with my right eye.

To use Nancy Kerrigan's famous cry, "why?" I just am in shock that this has happened yet again. Why, dammit, why?

How can I fix the things that torment my body now? Type 2 diabetes wasn't supposed to be the bad one. I wasn't supposed to lose my vision. But it comes and goes.

What a nightmare. There are times that I feel like I'm trying to shut a barn door where all the horses have already run through. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Earlier today, I had the feeling that things were just about to turn around a bit. Get my business back in order. Get some order to life. Nowhere in that series of thoughts did I envision my eye blowing out again.

Part of me feels like I'm exaggerating stuff when I mention it. Wanted my friends to know that the eye had hemorrhaged, but it's not all that bad. Well yes, it is that bad. I don't even know what to say to folks. Bad shit just keeps happening. I don't know how to fix things.

Just a brief vacation

Almost forgot I even had a blog. Didn't remember the name of it or how to get to it. Fortunately, my computer is smarter than me and allows me to fumble on through.

I've been needing to write. I don't know what I need to write about, but I desperately need to write. Depression or angst seems to bring out that need in me. Maybe in others too.

About this depression. . . it seems to be rearing its ugly head these days. I find myself with tears dripping from my eyes for no apparent reason. I just cry to cry. Is it the result of discontinuing the anti-depressant med? Who knows? I think it is probably wise if I tell my dr. that I still need it. Didn't realize just how much I do need it.

Why? What is there about losing two parents to cancer within 20 months of each other, losing your eyesight, and having no money would cause depression? My bills have piled high and deep, to the point that I don't even know what we owe anymore. It's so troubling.

My body feels like shit. There's never time when I'm pain-free. It's so disheartening. My legs just refuse to cooperate with the rest of my body. Why, oh why, did I neglect my health all those years? I so feel like this is all my fault. I hate diaabetes. Everything about it.

Am I a candidate for a new job? I don't want a new job, but feel like I might have to get one to try to get us out of poverty. We stand to lose everything if I don't. Do I even care anymore?

I sleep too much. If I'm not asleep, I want to be. That reeks of depression. If I'm asleep, I'm not thinking about life's hellhole. I've never thought like that before. But I just don't see anything that makes me smile anymore, save for my kitties. My house is filthy, my job is not producing money, just everything. . . .well, it sucks. No one would believe I feel this way. It's about 180 from what everyone expects of me.

I resent my life too. My husband and I retreat to our own corners. He escapes to movies, and I escape to facebook. I do enjoy re-connecting with folks who've meant something to me over my lifetime. I always tell myself that I should do other things, but I never feel like doing anything else. The thought of yardwork leaves me cold. Cooking. Cleaning. Making the effort to be with friends. I just plainly don't feel like it.

Energy. Or lack thereof. I get so pissed that I have no energy. I took about a six hour nap today. Definitely shouldn't have done that. Not even 50 years old and I act 80. Ridiculous.

My attention span is less than that of a 5 year old. Will it ever change?