Getting old sucks

In an ideal world, I, nor none of my loved ones would get old. To me, old = sick.

Spent the day with my Mom today. Much as I love her, it doesn't even feel like I'm with her anymore when we're together. I don't know who this woman is. She physically looks like my Mom, but it's not her. Somewhere along the way, dementia has robbed my Mom's body of my Mom.

And while I'm on it, dementia is the ugliest word. It's a Greek word, but it evokes thoughts of some mad person with dishevelled hair. Makes me think of a glassy eyed, babbling person who makes not a lick of sense.

Anyways, back to my Mom, it's not the same with her anymore. Everything is so dulled about her. When you speak to her, she just looks at you, without any recognition of what you've just told her. My description of this is that the velcro isn't sticking. She forgets the first of the sentence she's hearing by the time you're completing the sentence.

And then there's Dad. He looks so terribly frail and weak. One kidney is gone and the other is functioning at 20 percent. His body is wearing out. That is truly one of the toughest things I've ever watched.

Each time I say bye to him, I wonder if I'll get to see him again on this earth. It's that close. He's so miserable. As he suffers, it makes it easier for me to be able to say goodbye to him. I don't want to, but I know I'll have to. And soon. His little body simply can't function much longer.

I'm just so cheery tonight. I'm not even sure what would take my mind off of everything.