There is a light

I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Is it daylight, or is it a train about to mow me down? I'm not sure yet. I just know there's light.

Looking back over blog posts from past few months, I can see that I'm better. I at least feel like I have purpose. I've reclaimed my own life.

I'd never been as depressed as I felt for quite some time before and after Mom's death. It blows me away that Dad's been gone almost 3 years. His last big illness started this week 3 years ago. I remember so much of that time, yet it feels like so little. Just thankful I got to be with him as much as I did. Heartbreaking to see him saying bye to Mom. And vice versa. I guess love is so solid after 58 years. How I miss them. And life with them. Their sounds, their routines, their lives. . . it's all so gone now. Just hurts. And there's no way to go back.

I was in a pretty good mood tonight, til I started thinking. Just makes me so sad.

I'm so excited for Erik to get to go see his parents, yet I fear him driving up there. I just can't even bear remembering him falling asleep while driving. I don't know how I'm gonna handle my thoughts while he's driving to and from there. Surely he'll be safe.

I wanted to start a bucket list, but so far, all I can think of is seeing whales. I really want to be on a boat up close and near active whales. I can't fathom their size or power. But I want to experience that.

Don't really think this is a bucket list item, but I want to change the way we live. I'm desperate for this change. I want to take back my life, and that means my house. Reclaim my house from the slobs who live in it. It's embarassing to live like this. Messy and filthy were not the way I was brought up. And I hate the way we've become. I need to throw away so much stuff.

I must get some rest. Need to stay healthy for the next few weeks. Exhaustion will do me no favors.