Just a brief vacation

Almost forgot I even had a blog. Didn't remember the name of it or how to get to it. Fortunately, my computer is smarter than me and allows me to fumble on through.

I've been needing to write. I don't know what I need to write about, but I desperately need to write. Depression or angst seems to bring out that need in me. Maybe in others too.

About this depression. . . it seems to be rearing its ugly head these days. I find myself with tears dripping from my eyes for no apparent reason. I just cry to cry. Is it the result of discontinuing the anti-depressant med? Who knows? I think it is probably wise if I tell my dr. that I still need it. Didn't realize just how much I do need it.

Why? What is there about losing two parents to cancer within 20 months of each other, losing your eyesight, and having no money would cause depression? My bills have piled high and deep, to the point that I don't even know what we owe anymore. It's so troubling.

My body feels like shit. There's never time when I'm pain-free. It's so disheartening. My legs just refuse to cooperate with the rest of my body. Why, oh why, did I neglect my health all those years? I so feel like this is all my fault. I hate diaabetes. Everything about it.

Am I a candidate for a new job? I don't want a new job, but feel like I might have to get one to try to get us out of poverty. We stand to lose everything if I don't. Do I even care anymore?

I sleep too much. If I'm not asleep, I want to be. That reeks of depression. If I'm asleep, I'm not thinking about life's hellhole. I've never thought like that before. But I just don't see anything that makes me smile anymore, save for my kitties. My house is filthy, my job is not producing money, just everything. . . .well, it sucks. No one would believe I feel this way. It's about 180 from what everyone expects of me.

I resent my life too. My husband and I retreat to our own corners. He escapes to movies, and I escape to facebook. I do enjoy re-connecting with folks who've meant something to me over my lifetime. I always tell myself that I should do other things, but I never feel like doing anything else. The thought of yardwork leaves me cold. Cooking. Cleaning. Making the effort to be with friends. I just plainly don't feel like it.

Energy. Or lack thereof. I get so pissed that I have no energy. I took about a six hour nap today. Definitely shouldn't have done that. Not even 50 years old and I act 80. Ridiculous.

My attention span is less than that of a 5 year old. Will it ever change?